For Ellen

You can't exist in this world without leaving a piece of yourself behind

The Box

It’s been sitting in the office for EVER! Yes, we have been in our remodel for three years now! I could trace my finger through the dust collecting on top. I never unpacked it …lazy..too busy…and I hate, absolutely hate to throw away memories; even the little mementos that remind me of a special event or a glimpse of the past. A memory hoarder. MH. I kept everything when I was little. I am happy to say that I still have some of the strange items from my treasure boxes. As I sorted through the myriad of what I like to call ‘crap’: erasers, glitter stickers, flavored chapsticks, basically everything you find on that $1 aisle at Target, I realized my kids are not comprised of this heap that is sitting in front of me anymore. In the years it has taken me to unpack the box, they have outgrown its contents. They are no longer the “Extreme Gymnastics is Awesome!” journal entry I found. They could care less about the list of everybody’s birthdays scribbled very orderly in a Hello Kitty notepad. And the Cruella De Ville autograph that I waited in line for an hour to get..yeah…you know…… at the bottom of the ‘Life Moves On’ crap box. You see, kids don’t care about the things that define them as ‘little’ like parents do. They have a goal and that is to be a ‘big kid’, ‘teenager’, a ‘grown-up’. That’s why I let them paint their rooms, define their ‘space’, and make their own life within the four walls they call ‘their room’. In fact, they don’t want that old stuff, and they don’t really want me around, unless of course they need a ride, money, food… I have lost my ‘Mommy Mojo’. Where at one time my height and strength (my most effective parenting tool) could restrain them into submission, they now tower over ME. I used to be able to tell them they were too little to sit in the front of the car; these are ‘rules’ made by policemen. Now, before we even grab our shoes to walk out the door all I hear is ‘Shot gun!’, ‘No, I already called it’, ‘Mom, He had it yesterday!. (Of course I do not react to this daily murmuring..this white noise). I know this ‘front seat’ prize has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the stereo. In fact, as fights erupt in our daily commute, I use that stereo as a weapon. Lady GaGa Warfare. If I’m REALLY mad, I turn it off!!! Gasp! Grunts! A lot of “How could you??!!”; that’s my favorite mean mommy tool! But, back to the box, as they have grown up I see less and less of the traces of their childhood. If only I knew how to decode their passwords and shuffle through their phones, because that is where their childhood memories are now. No more scribbles. No more cursive practice notes. No more play dough animals hardening to the point of cracking. Welcome, phone bills and the social network. That damn box made me realize that my kids may have outgrown the past, but I haven’t! Now you know WHY I didn’t want to open that box; that Pandora’s Box. So I go about working in my office, chauffeuring the car, cooking the meals, folding their laundry, picking up their rooms, as well as the dog poop in the yard. I am almost invisible. Almost. I’ve learned a very important tool to get me through these next years. It doesn’t involve manipulation. Or coercion. It’s called ‘listening’. They don’t need to spend ALL their time with me. God knows they are ‘busy’ little people. They don’t need to keep their bedroom doors open. They need their privacy. They don’t need the clean white walls in ‘their space’; paint it purple, and black, and red. It’s about them now, not me! They don’t need to dress the way that I used to ‘prepare’ them when they are little. They are not Barbie Dolls. They are their own unique person. They don’t need to make little art pieces to say they love me; they are to busy making and re-making themselves. I adjust to what they want to become. I guide them and offer them MY opinion, and hope that they eventually decide on ‘something in between’. I try to tell them that I have never been the mother of a teenager before, so bear with me; I am bound to make mistakes. We all do. So I follow them around collecting mementos that I think they will appreciate one day when they are older, with their own children. The things that will remind them of this very short, very precious time. A time when the whole family is alive and well. A time when family gatherings didn’t involve getting off of work, or driving hundreds of miles to get to them. I’m reminded of a Trace Adkins song that says,
“You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this”.
And so they don’t ‘miss’ it, I continue to collect their memories for them. I pick through the memories in that big brown box and move the memories to a more secure place in the back of my closet in a NEW box. I’ll open it from time to time. I’ll be reminded of how much they’ve grown. And someday when I’m gone they will finally be thankful that mom was a hoarder. A hoarder of their lives.

I want a bench when I die!

Snap

My ‘umbilical cord’ is stretched a little far for the next couple of days. You see, I’ve never really properly cut that cord. I like to think of it more as a bungee cord. They can try to get far but they will always bounce back to me. My children have never been the kids that ‘go away to camp’. They do not visit grandma, alone, in the summers. They rarely spend the night at friend’s houses. I pretty much know where my kids are and what they are doing (generally) 24/7. They like it that way, and so do I. All of our trips are with each other. Their friends come to our house on the weekends, because I like to think that my house is the most fun. They frequently text me throughout the day to make sure an event is remembered, or a plan is made. Sometimes they just text and say, ‘luv u xoxoxo’ (those are the best texts). I still remind them that they need to shower, and brush their teeth, and call their dad, and do their homework, and come down for dinner, breakfast, snack, etc. Sure, they know how to do this stuff, but I just like to remind them that their mom is on top of things…or maybe that their mom is still needed. I struggle through the eye rolls, and the door slams, the ‘whatevers’, and the ‘leave me alones’. That is part of being a mom; a good mom. But, I don’t leave them alone; at least not for too long…So naturally a ‘school overnight trip’ sent shivers down my spine; much like my daughter’s first prom, Ashley’s horse jumping; driving with friend’s to school. I spent the last four days packing my little one, my ‘Sugar Lump’, for his school trip. What would he need? What would he forget to do if I’m not around? How do I fit ALL the years of parenting and guiding into one duffle bag for a three day trip? If I could have I would have typed out step by step instructions on what he should do each day, what should happen in an emergency, what to do if he’s hungry, has to go to the bathroom, can’t sleep. I unpacked and re-packed his bag with him; I called it a ‘dry run’ for when he’s really camping with his school. He hated EVERY MINUTE OF IT. We practiced getting in the sleeping bag at night, how the luggage will come out of the carousel at the airport, where the Benadryl and batteries are located, how to carry all the stuff when he gets there. It was more for me than for him, and I think we both knew it! Can this person survive without me was all that was echoing through my head. The bag represented me and all that I provide for him. All those painful growing up steps that are so necessary is often so hard on the Mom. From the first day at preschool, the first team game, the first sleepover, the first concert, the first sporting event, I’ve led him through every step of the way so that he never was fearful or unprepared. He thinks I’m crazy. He thinks I’m ‘such a mom’. His sisters have been great about telling him how much fun he will have and settled my fears as well. So, as it was, I WAS the last mom to leave the airport and wave goodbye. I DID watch him until he was just a tiny speck going through security so he would KNOW that I was there. He DID turn to see if I was there at that very last second...and I WAS…I didn’t let him down….he DID make a gesture that resembled a ‘scoot’ or ‘go away’ motion...well, it could have been a wave…maybe. …My daughter said, “I think he will have fun, but I think he will cry at night”! WHAT?? Not the words I want to hear. Why? Because he misses me, he’s scared, he’s hungry? Maybe all three??!!! A writer, Elizabeth Stone said, “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”. Well, my little heart in on an airplane, bus, and then a boat right now. Probably having the time of his life. Exactly what I want him to have. I jammed a little note deep inside his duffle bag that says ‘I love you. Love, Mommy’ and a tootsie roll. I hope he reads it when he gets ready for bed…at least I’ll know he has a little something in his tummy …. At least I will have the peace of mind knowing that even though he grows up and experiences his own life, the umbilical cord is never too stretched for a random ‘I love you’……a little bit of candy to sweeten the thought….

My Dad

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

Cartwheels to Car Wheels...

Yesterday a child came out to wander/Caught a dragonfly inside a jar/Fearful when the sky was full of thunder/And tearful at the falling of a star……
…and that little girl turns 15 today… and I realize that 15 springs and 15 summers later, well, not much has changed…She burst into this world with so much wonder AND so much anxiety. She was so easily over stimulated. If I could bottle the energy and creativity, the wonder and the anxiety, the dreams and the determination, the concern and the trepidation, it would be my HANNAH. Born under Haley’s Comet, which comes only once every so many years, so does this unique and special ‘once in a lifetime’ person. As easily as she would startle as a baby with loud sounds, she now has music flowing through her veins AND her bedroom door. As she used to delight in the daily walks to find her favorite ‘tiny, baby flowers’, she now adjusts, daily, the theme of her bedroom. As she used to suck on a binky until her Kindergarten year started, she now has an iPhone permanently installed to her ear. As she carefully turned cartwheels over and over in the yard, she will now be turning car wheels by the end of this year. As she took her first steps that led her to horseback riding and eventually dancing on a daily basis, she continues to try her wings in this big, big world. I have guided her and instructed her since the beginning, and I still do every day of her life (whether she knows it or not). She has taken on her own life and created beauty all around her. When you have a teenager you begin to notice little snippets of beauty that are present. You see, at one time I even had to vacuum the house with her in a baby backpack, she now is rarely seen on a daily basis, as she fills her days with friends and events. As she creates her own life, I am witnessing a beautiful person emerge. She has strong beliefs that she never bends upon. She has an infectious laugh that lights up her entire face. She loves with a faithfulness that most adults would long to possess. She can NEVER, EVER bear the thought of any person being alone, hungry, or sad. She believes in angels and spirits who guide her. She follows NOONE and creates her own path. She possesses ‘emotional turrets’ and says whatever she feels, whether appropriate or not. She has dreams to be a doctor, and a firefighter, and a missionary, and a forensic scientist, and a volunteer in an old age home, and a world traveler…sounds like a lot, but they are HER dreams. I’ve told this story before, and if you’ve heard it, tough, you are going to hear it again; we frequently search out fires for the pure thrill of it. During a recent ‘fire stalking’ my daughter said, and without conviction, “UGH WHY CANT I JUST GROW UP SO I CAN DO THAT AND BE A FIREFIGHTER!”. I instantly knew what she meant by this comment. She wanted to help, experience it, live through the emotions of it, and feel the excitement!!! So many teenagers are lost in boyfriends, drugs, and fitting in, that they lose that LUST for life. Hannah hasn’t! As Lonestar sang in a song, “Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle”, because it passes so fast. So As I go through these last couple years with her living in my home; as I hear her say that ‘she’s not a baby anymore’, as I watch her love and care and dream; I am reminded how important it is to always give her hope and praise; never let her ever forget how beautiful she is; and if she ever feels that there’s no one else and she is alone, I’ll be there! (I may be standing outside of a bedroom door which was slammed in my face, but I’LL BE THERE!)

Rock of Ages

Oscar Wilde said that enemies stab you in the back, but true friends stab you in the front. What does that mean? Does it mean they tell you to your face how they feel about you…or does it mean that they ‘stab’ you in the heart, like in a good way? I would like to think the later. So I stole a yearbook today. Some of you know that because I have blackmailed your Facebook walls with lovely images of yesteryear. The thing I did notice while flipping through the pages was that A) We apparently went to the river, often (I don’t remember this), B) We weren’t quite as cool as we thought we were, C) lots and lots of hairspray. Then I began to read what I wrote in my friend’s yearbook. It was about things that I ‘would never forget’ about that freshman year in school. Well, guess what? I DID!!! I forgot all of it. I also didn’t even recognize my signature (or my own handwriting). How does that happen? How can a time in my life be so important and yet there is zero recollection of it. It reminded me of a conversation I had with my son about a vacation to Florida when he was three, maybe four (I forget that too). I planned and saved and organized activities for that ‘perfect’ trip. Guess what? HE DOESN’T REMEMBER IT!!! All the time that parents spend trying to find a learning experience in everyday activities and suddenly the whole family is Alzheimer-ed up! I search for the photographs from that trip and I see smiling faces and sand-filled diapers, and they seem as though they never want the trip to end. Now no one remembers?? The point I’m making is this... I DO remember that I’ve met some pretty amazing people in my life and I’ve had some wonderful trips to beautiful places. I have laughed a lot, and I have cried a lot! When I look at myself through a young girl’s eyes I seem happy, healthy, and loved! I share this with my daughters and find a learning experience in this for them to ‘forget’ someday. I say, don’t sweat the small stuff. All the little arguments with friends or fits of jealousy won’t matter someday. What will matter is how special people made you feel. Maya Angelou said that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will NEVER forget how you made them feel. And I hope when my daughters crack open their yearbooks some day it is filled with people saying ‘keep in touch’, ‘you’re my best friend’, ‘I liked having you in my class’, and they will know that they made an impression on someone at one time in their lives. I guess what I mean is that I may not always remember the details, but I can see the whole picture. Oh, and also, I didn’t marry David Lee Roth, in case you are reading through your old yearbook, too……………..

Create your own visitor map!

Every Last Drop

I have been thinking about the concept of a Rain List, instead of a Bucket List. Things of beauty that have already rained down into my life’s pail. Puddles of joy. Pools of happiness. Little lakes of bliss. These are the things that, unlike the Bucket List, make me feel alive each day; NOT things that need to be done before I die. It is the whole concept of needing much less that than we think we need in our lives. It’s what already there! The obvious is family and happiness and all that goes along with that. This list won’t be about the general facts; it will be much more specific, although it will involve ALL of that! Maya Angelou said, “Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breath away”. My teenager saying ‘I Love You’ without being prompted; my son high fiving me after a baseball win; my daughter telling me a ‘private’ teenager story; Ashley’s eyes when she talks about her next show: so filled with excitement; the kiss Parker gives me when he’s tired and knowing that I’m the last thing he sees when he falls asleep and the first thing he’ll see in the morning; my husbands arm wrapping around me when he’s sound asleep knowing that even in his dreams I’m still on his mind; my dog (Squishy Face) tirelessly following me around the house at night until I get into bed so that he can settle next to me for the night; a friend who tells me that they need some ‘Amy-ism’ to get them through a hard day; Hannah making me stop at every homeless person to make sure they have water and a dollar for the bus; my dad calling just because I’m on his mind. It’s the little moments when they don’t think you are listening that make the greatest impact.So I’m starting to keep little notes in a box. You should do it too. They will be little notes to remind myself that when everything seems to be going wrong (and it will) that I can open my jar and be reminded of what truly makes my life special. I hope that everyone has to graduate to a larger box every couple of months…We need to keep this rain going…

Music Thursday

Now What?...

One of the hardest things to teach your child is the concept of death. Unfortunately, my children have lost some serious role models in their short lifetimes. Death isn’t something you can teach. You have to experience it to feel its effects…and everyone feels it differently. Unfortunately my children have to experience it again this week when they attend a funeral of a true role model in their lives. I’ve taught them to be caring, to be loving, and to focus on the ‘details’ of their lives…but how do you teach them that death is a part of life. Truth is, we can’t teach someone how to ‘let go’. It is virtually impossible to teach them why bad things happen to good people. I like to tell them that bad things happen to BAD people, too, it’s just that not as many people notice or feel it! The saying ‘time heals all wounds’ doesn’t really work either. Often a song will come on the radio, or a dream will appear, or a random thought will come screaming through, and once again the wound is open and the pain is REAL and any steps forward that were accomplished suddenly bring you back to point A. Seventeen years later, and ONE scent can bring you back to that person! You cannot teach them that grief is actually a journey…a marathon, not a sprint. It’s impossible for any one of us to know how to react when your bottom falls out. You try to hold onto every last memory, a facial expression, the sound of a voice, the touch of a hand… You search frantically in those first days to find your connection to that person: a symbol, a photograph, a video…you are mourning the relationship. Maybe grief is different for each person. What I hear are very similar stories of people who can’t move forward, of lives that become separated into life before the death and the new life after. One author stated that when someone dies it feels like the hole in your gum where a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place where all the nerves are a little raw. There have been many people who have died in my life where I’ve had a little time to prepare for it, instead of being a sudden loss. A situation where I knew it WAS going to happen but I just didn’t know WHEN! I had a little time to rake those leaves of emotion into one BIG pile..and THEN let go! I had a chance to say “goodbye...for now”! Yeah, that doesn’t make it any easier either. SO, there’s no RIGHT way to let go; there is no magic word to ease the pain. I wish my children didn’t have to feel this pain EVER; Hell I wish NONE of us did. I can wish for beautiful memories to last a lifetime. I can wish for the sensation of them being close to us and protecting us! I can wish for the tears to be more for the beautiful memories and less for the pain! So I believe that if you miss someone it’s because they taught you about something or changed you indefinitely..that doesn’t die..that is always with us..cherish it, grow with it…and remember why it’s there, everyday! Oh, and also, FUCK cancer…