I think there’s a reason why I finally developed those
videos sitting in a dusty box labeled “To Do” in my linen closet. I think
there’s a reason Parker asked where the videos were, of him as a baby. I
believe greater forces are pulling us in directions in which we are unaware. I
know my mom and grandmother are directing my life from somewhere above the
clouds… directing events to occur at just the right time. I clicked the
envelope on the screen from the online memory company, which developed my
memories. They say you can never go back, so enjoy the times while you live
them. Bullshit, I pressed the cursor and immediately was sitting in a living
room at 29 years old, in a home somewhere in Plano, Texas, surrounded by the
theme of motherhood. They say when people die they get a birds eye view of
their body from above and can watch their loved ones surrounding them in their
final moments. I felt the bird’s eye view as I inspected every inch of my
surroundings in the video on the screen. What was I wearing? What are the kids
doing? How did I decorate? Was the house clean? Who was I? What was I thinking?
Was I overwhelmed or tired? Was dinner on the stove? I spent hours watching my
life. I spent hours watching what I forgot for the last 20 years. Did the girl
on the screen know the adventure she was about to embark on? Was she even
worried about that at all? I have read many ‘Letters To Self’ that people
create in their blogs. I have read stories from older women and what they would
tell their younger self if they could. I was overwhelmed with thoughts as I
watched our long lost home videos. I wanted to tell the young mom in the video
so many things that she had no idea were occurring or going to occur at the
time of filming. Was my younger self just being a new mom and focused on the
present or was she too tired to think past each day? I can only imagine how I
felt when I hear myself say on the video to the kids, “Grandma left today”
following her helping me with my new baby. There I was on a couch somewhere in
Plano, Texas with a 4 year old, a one year old, and a three-day-old baby. Now what? I watch with anxiety but I didn’t
appear anxious at the time. I watch with worry although there was no worry in
sight on the video. As I view the tape I am filled with more anxiety and worry
than I had at the time. Was she going to do it the right way? Would everyone
feel loved? Will she not fuck this up? “Why isn’t she worried”, I say to the
screen. “Why isn’t she hugging them harder or picking up her two year old when
she asks”. Goddamnit Amy! They want things from you and you didn’t hear the
request…. It’s hard to watch your younger self maneuver an ordinary day. My
father used to say, “If I knew then, what I know now…”. True! If she only knew
what I know now! If she only knew then she would know that there would be a day
some 20 years later when she is watching herself on a screen in a kitchen that
she will cry. If she only knew that she would be alone with three dogs and
children either at work, on vacation, or in college while she watches her
younger life. If she only knew that the laundry would be done because the loads
are practically nonexistent since she became an empty nester. She would know
that her older self would gladly trade places with her younger self, sitting on
the floor with a newborn, a one year old, and a 4 year old, while still with a
hospital bracelet on her wrist. She would know that she should have listened
more intently to the stories her 4 year old was telling her about the days her
mother was in the hospital for the delivery, and what she missed at home. She
would know that she should hold onto that 1 year old that climbed into her lap
a little tighter, because those days are short lived. She would have known that
she should have stopped time. I want another chance. I want another chance at
it. I want it all, again. I want to say to her that ‘You got this’. I want to
tell her how beautiful her babies were going to grow up to be. I want to tell
her about the soccer games and the football games, and the dance lessons, and
the horse back riding. I want her to know that the children loved the proms she
chaperoned. I want to tell her that the girls will someday call you their best
friend. I want to tell her that she got her wish for some peace and quiet, or even
a ‘break’, and that she would hate it. I want to feel the feeling of being a
human jungle gym again. I want to tell her to smell the babies and feel the
babies and kiss their little foreheads. Again and again and again. I want her
to know that she will be turning the big 50 this year and let her know not to
worry about aging because it only means that she lived. I see her gently hold
her babies. I see her wipe their tears and change their diapers and strategically
maneuver herself through her new little world with so much grace. I want to
tell her that she looked beautiful even though I know she didn’t feel it at the
time. I want to tell her that she is doing a great job. I want to tell her that
when the children are older they will tell their friends stories about their childhood,
and that she will hear them say it and smile. I want to tell her that the next
20 some years were successful because of what was happening in that little home
in Plano, Texas; the one I was watching on the videos. I want to tell her that
we are all who we are today because of all those sleepless nights she had…all
those days when she thought it would never end…all those days that she wished
she could get a minute to herself. I want to tell her that, well, you will get
a minute to yourself…actually you will have minutes that turn into hours that
turn into days by yourself. I want to tell her that she will spend those hours
wishing she was on a floor somewhere in Plano, Texas, with a diaper in her hand
and a toddler on her waist. You see, 20 something year old Amy, all your hard
work got us to where we are today as we embark on this next chapter of your
life. So if I have to tell my 20-year-old self anything it would simply be,
“Thank You, we got this”.
