Are you THERE God, It's me Amy?

I learned of a new place that exists. A place called “There”. “We’ll get there”…”You’ll get there”…wherever ‘THERE’ is….. what does ‘THERE’ look like? What will ‘THERE’ feel  like? Sometimes I think, “Oh, I’m getting THERE”, only to realize I am so, soooo far from being THERE. Who has time to get THERE anyway? And why is it such a great place to be, anyway? And why do we want to arrive at it at all, ever? THERE must be this magical place of amnesia. A beautiful blank slate. Does that sound like a place I want to get to? I realized this morning, as I got ready for work, that the road to THERE means change, big change, and it sucks big time. THERE means you have to go through all the steps to dig out of holes, and climb mountains, and swim from beneath a valley of tears. THERE knocks you to the ground when you don’t even realize it is about to happen. THERE sounds like a place so far away from where I started. I was strolling through my life, beginning the next 50 years of my existence, in the life that was so known and expecting. THERE pulled the rug out from under my feet. Just this morning, as I prepared for work, THERE left me standing with tears streaming down my face, with a sucker punch to the face. That’s what THERE does. Just when you think ok ok ok I’m making progress, it shows up and makes you realize how much you are NOT getting THERE. I realize much about getting THERE. I realize that THERE and I are NOT friends, not even acquaintances. No Map Quest in the world would direct me to it…any time soon. I don’t know about this place called THERE, but I do know the path to getting THERE, quite well, and what it looks like. I’ve memorized its dark alley s and side streets like the lines on on my own palms. Getting there means that instead of the “Honey, I’m leaving” hugs in the morning, you will stick your face into the stiff and unwashed shirts hanging in the closet for a deep inhale, just to take a piece of them with you when you start your day…and everyday you think (no, you know) that the smell is getting lighter and less ‘him’ than before. Getting THERE looks like a tap on the side of his photo as a virtual ‘hug’ before leaving your home. Sometimes getting THERE means realizing the many things that AREN’T THERE…and won’t ever be THERE again. I don’t know how quickly people are supposed to get THERE. My mother has been gone 30 years and sometimes I don’t think that my family is THERE yet. Or a flow of memories flash through the day and then you realize well maybe you aren’t ever going to get THERE. But people will tell you not to worry that you will get THERE. How do they know that? Have they arrived safely THERE before?  I would ask them why it was such a coveted destination. Or maybe they don’t know that getting THERE is a place that we really don’t want to get to because we don’t know what THERE will look like, or feel like.  However and truthfully, nobody said it was an easy road to get to. Right now I don’t  know if I want to get THERE. So I continue to find ways to getting THERE, and many more ways to avoid it,  as I navigate through this place that I never wanted to get to. For now, it just sounds like a place that I wouldn’t like very much. I would like a refund on that ticket.

Now What?...

One of the hardest things to teach your child is the concept of death. Unfortunately, my children have lost some serious role models in their short lifetimes. Death isn’t something you can teach. You have to experience it to feel its effects…and everyone feels it differently. Unfortunately my children have to experience it again this week when they attend a funeral of a true role model in their lives. I’ve taught them to be caring, to be loving, and to focus on the ‘details’ of their lives…but how do you teach them that death is a part of life. Truth is, we can’t teach someone how to ‘let go’. It is virtually impossible to teach them why bad things happen to good people. I like to tell them that bad things happen to BAD people, too, it’s just that not as many people notice or feel it! The saying ‘time heals all wounds’ doesn’t really work either. Often a song will come on the radio, or a dream will appear, or a random thought will come screaming through, and once again the wound is open and the pain is REAL and any steps forward that were accomplished suddenly bring you back to point A. Seventeen years later, and ONE scent can bring you back to that person! You cannot teach them that grief is actually a journey…a marathon, not a sprint. It’s impossible for any one of us to know how to react when your bottom falls out. You try to hold onto every last memory, a facial expression, the sound of a voice, the touch of a hand… You search frantically in those first days to find your connection to that person: a symbol, a photograph, a video…you are mourning the relationship. Maybe grief is different for each person. What I hear are very similar stories of people who can’t move forward, of lives that become separated into life before the death and the new life after. One author stated that when someone dies it feels like the hole in your gum where a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place where all the nerves are a little raw. There have been many people who have died in my life where I’ve had a little time to prepare for it, instead of being a sudden loss. A situation where I knew it WAS going to happen but I just didn’t know WHEN! I had a little time to rake those leaves of emotion into one BIG pile..and THEN let go! I had a chance to say “goodbye...for now”! Yeah, that doesn’t make it any easier either. SO, there’s no RIGHT way to let go; there is no magic word to ease the pain. I wish my children didn’t have to feel this pain EVER; Hell I wish NONE of us did. I can wish for beautiful memories to last a lifetime. I can wish for the sensation of them being close to us and protecting us! I can wish for the tears to be more for the beautiful memories and less for the pain! So I believe that if you miss someone it’s because they taught you about something or changed you indefinitely..that doesn’t die..that is always with us..cherish it, grow with it…and remember why it’s there, everyday! Oh, and also, FUCK cancer…