In All The World There's Only One....

Twelve years and 14 hours ago my little Ashley made her grand entrance into the world. Jodi Picoult said it best: “I’ve only known her for 13 years. But if you took every memory, every moment, if you stretched them end to end – they’d reach forever”…and I can’t ever remember NOT having Ashley in my life! I would have liked to say that I had her name chosen for years, or it was a great-grandmother’s, or some strength name that I could direct her life’s path; actually, she was named because I heard someone say ‘actually’ and because I was so epiduralled up I thought they said, “Ashley”…and I thought that was pretty. She has always been a brainiac. She is a perfectionist almost to a fault! She hated diapers and trained herself at 14 months to NOT wear them. She has always had a fiery stare and a determination beyond no one else. Many parents utter “were you raised in a barn?” when doors are left open…well, Ashley WAS raised in a barn! She has spent many hours and made many friends (human and animal) at the ranch. She would rather wear paddock boots than high heels, she would rather clean a stall then clean her room, and she would rather spend her weekends with a 1600 pound gelding than ANY person in the world, and that I say is the way to raise a strong girl!

Bubbles

So I thought I would spend the morning greasing my shower floor (or my husband’s) Why, you ask? Well, I read an article about a man that slipped in the shower and, poof, all memory of his life was erased. That simple. Imagine starting over. All the things you ever worried about, past regrets, painful moments, disappear forever. You can begin a new, possible more positive canvas. I thought about if that happened to my husband. I could kinda mold him into the person I want him to be. I would tell him that he always worshipped me, we never fought, we lived a perfect life. AWESOME! I would probably lie a lot!!! I think about this wife in the paper. He didn’t even know she was his wife until they got home and he saw a picture of their wedding day. You know what he DID retain? He retained ONLY the rules of football! WTF! That would be my luck! The more I thought about it, the more I realized that although it would be awesome to start fresh, it would erase all that a person really is. When it boils down to it, our lives are really only our memories; our footprint on the world; our reaction to life’s events. I spent some time with my 90 year old family member this weekend. We talked for hours (don’t worry I had wine) about HIS history; even his father’s history. He talked about his father working in the gold mines in Alaska in 1907; he traveled by dog (yes, DOG) to work there; for two years, because there were no air flights. He talked about inventing the piston that is used today in cars. Oh, he talked about so many things that I felt like I hope that my kids have something exciting to talk to their kids about when they talk about me someday. What are they going to say, grandma worked out, didn’t work, drank soy?! They will need another bottle of wine for that one! That’s when I began to think about the memories that we leave behind. Will my kids ‘immortalize’ me? Maybe I should teach them the art of exaggeration to help them. The man in the paper was a wealthy man who lived an extravagant life prior to his fall. Interestingly enough, as he copes with his memory loss he sold 10 of his 13 watches because he couldn’t understand why a person needs so many. He sold 3 of his 6 cars. He wonders why he has such a big house for only 3 people. When his memory left him, apparently so did his ego. He doesn’t remember why extravagant items were necessary. He wanted nothing more than to remember the things that are really important in life: the day you met your wife, your children’s personalities, Christmas mornings. Nothing monetary mattered! I keep a little diary keepsake with funny or important events in the kids’ lives. Sometimes when I read them I don’t remember particular events having happened. I am always so glad that I wrote these things down to remind me of things that made me happy at a certain point in time. I was recently reading Ashley’s baby book and was reminded of a time when she stood up in church as yelled, “Hawny! Hawny!” during a moment of silence. How cute! How could I have forgotten that?! Truth is, we DO! We get caught up in the house, cars, bills; the short term memories that seem so strong, that we forget the special little snippets that make us smile. My husband says I have a lot of crap lying around the house. Baby clothes, old artwork from the kids, little love notes, EVERY SINGLE card my husband ever gave me (to name a few). When I see the ‘crap’ it makes me smile; it makes me remember; it makes me realize that the crap is my crap. It’s my memories; you know, just in case I slip in the shower, too!

As The World Turns

"Life sometimes gets so bogged down in the details, you forget you are living it. There is always another appointment to be met, another bill to pay, another symptom presenting, another uneventful day to be notched onto the wooden wall. We have synchronized our watches, studied our calendars, existed in minutes, and completely forgotten to step back and see what we've accomplished."
— Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper). As the years pass by sometimes we just need to stop and think about what really matters to us as we go through this life. Summer always makes me think about how quickly time flies. Another school year ends. Another year goes by for my beautiful daughters who begin to daydream about their upcoming birthdays. They are already beginning to decide on which gift they want the most this year: another chance for a horse show, an IPad, a new wardrobe, a blackberry. So many choices, so little time, to decide which of these gifts would make an ‘official’ teenager (turning 13) happy or what would satisfy a 15 year old throughout the summer. Truth is, they don’t need ANY of these things. They have WAY more than is necessary to survive in the fast moving world known as ‘Teenager’. Teenagers LIVE for their birthdays; however, it doesn’t really change as we get older. We start to think about that special gift that we wouldn’t normally give ourselves any other day of the year. We believe that since we survived another 365 days around the sun that we should be ‘rewarded’ for a job well-done. Of course, in truth, all of this is completely out of our control. We actually didn’t have anything to do with the journey. Fate was responsible, as well as our ability to keep ourselves safe from harm, to eat healthier, to work out a little harder, to get flu shots, to remember our seat belts, and look both ways before we cross the road. I recently attended a 90th birthday party for a very close friend. Before he blew out his birthday candles (no, we didn’t put 90 candles on the cake) I reminded him to make a wish. He shut his eyes for but a moment, only to open them and extinguish the fire with one breathe. I needed to know, just what does a 90 year wish for: a happy family, one less ache, a fun trip. I asked him what he wished for, and his reply was nothing what I expected. He said, “Just another birthday!”. It says everything I was thinking wrapped into one! From his lips to God’s ears. I know what I’ll be wishing for at my next birthday and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one……..

Toy Included

The following is an excerpt from a novel I love. It is House Rules by Jodi Picoult. I hope it inspires and makes you think about life.
When I was little I remember wandering the cereal aisle and picking my breakfast based on what the reward was: A Frisbee with the Trix rabbit’s face on it, a mystery decoder wheel, holographic stickers. I could suffer through raisin bran for a month if it meant I got a magic ring in the end. I cannot admit this out loud. We are expected to be supermoms these days, instead of admitting that we have flaws. It is tempting to believe that all moms wake up feeling fresh every morning, only cook with organic food, and are equally at ease with the CEO and the PTA. Here’s a secret: Those mothers don’t exist. Most of us-even if we’d never confess- are suffering through the raisin bran in the hopes of a glimpse of that magic ring. In real life, I have to pick superglue out of the carpet, rarely remember to defrost a dinner, and plan to have BECAUSE I SAID SO engraved on my tombstone. Real mother’s know it’s ok to eat cold pizza for breakfast. Real mothers admit it is easier to fail at this job than to succeed. If parenting is the box of raisin bran, then real mothers know the ratio of flakes to fun is severely imbalanced. For every moment that your child confides in you, or tells you they love you, or does something unprompted to protect a sibling that you happen to witness, there are many more moments of chaos, error, and self-doubt. Real mothers secretly wish they’d chosen something for breakfast other than this endless cereal. Real mothers worry that other mothers will find that magic ring, whereas they’ll be looking and looking for ages. Rest easy, real mothers. The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already ARE one.

Parenting for Dummies

Ugh, Prom shopping with a 14 year old. Can I say that I’m glad I have the best hairstylist because most of my hair is pulled OUT! Aside from driving to every mall in Phoenix to find the ‘perfect’ dress, I still have OTHER children that need their mom to be present and chauffeur their little butts across town. I have learned several things from this experience. 1) Apparently I have NO taste. 2) I stress my daughter out when I say “we only have one day left” 3) she might kinda ‘like’ me…. Maybe this was THE experience to help us ‘bond’. She has said some sweet things about me. She said she told her friends that I am strict! I like that! She said she likes that! It shows I care! Huh, imagine that! Well, as Mother’s Day approaches and I think about the 14 years that I have been employed with this position. I’ve decided that there are some things that moms need to accept about this way too unappreciated job: These things are:
It is ok if it sucks. It is ok if you cry. It is ok if you aren’t sure what the hell you’re doing. I don’t!! It doesn’t matter if you breast feed them and only gave them organic foods, they will eat a dozen donut holes and McDonald everyday if they could! It is ok if you hate people that tell you your child is a joy when you are just SO MOTHER EFFING TIRED. It is ok if some days you can’t honestly say you love your kids. It is ok. I know. Childhood doesn’t last forever! You won’t always sit and stare at your child and think, “Where did you come from?”, or you might, but you’ll also stroke her cheek and thank God she is there.
One day you’ll realize you’re the mom. THE MOM. And that is OK. Turns out, you’re pretty good at it after all. I heard something today that made me think, 14 said, “Mom, instead of the after parties, we might just come home, to our house, and hang out. Is that ok?”….well, it’s always ok to come home, whether your 14 in a prom dress or 41 and need a soft spot to land…that’s what moms are for…and I slowly tip my wine glass and smile!

From Ponies to Prom

Well, it’s officially here! Where’s my diploma! You always wish for your children to be asked for play dates, to be the first pick on P.E. teams, and have someone to sit next to in the lunchroom. Most, if not all, of these things have happened to my babies. Now the granddaddy of them all…Prom! She called this morning to tell me that he asked her. “ Just a friend”. I like him! But the stew of insecurities and worry begin to boil over in the pit of my stomach...and my heart! They say watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. I can say that I agree! You hear of the horror stories and I even witnessed some first-hand with fellow classmates, of alcohol, drunk driving, and sex! I have the image of my Facebook friend; the strapping young athlete; forever damaged at our prom from drunk driving. I see him in profile pics with his full-time nurse and am filled with fear. What if his parents would’ve said ‘no’ to prom? What if, by fate, he could have been grounded that day? That one second in time changed his and many lives forever. Do they believe, “What happens at prom stays at prom?”, in a way. I still picture my first born as the baby I rocked; the child who gave me sore nipples from sucking too hard; the one who kept me up for endless hours for the first five years of her life. As I thumbed through the baby book I noticed the tape is yellowing on her pictures. Could it be possible that this time, this growing up, is so advanced that the pages are even old?! There is no manual for growing up, for a daughter or a mother. My daughter has never been 14 years old before, as much as I’ve never been the mother of a 14 year old. Prom isn’t just a popularity event for those most fortunate to be invited. Prom is when mothers need to let go of their babies; hope that we taught them what they need to know about so many ‘grown up’parts of life. The letting go begins with little steps along the way, from sleepovers, to camp, from crossing the street, to waltzing across a dance floor…..

Life...

So I follow a girl on Twitter and through her blog because she writes beautiful words of love about her husband and what they are going through with his cancer. You should follow her: Califmom. I went to her blog this morning and I see these words: He's Gone! All of a sudden I am overtaken with grief for a woman, family, husband that I don't even know!!! In her latest blog she wrote: "I don't know how long it will be, but it will be". These words are haunting to me! My husband is asleep in the next room. My kids are debating about what they are going to do today! I'm trying to remember if my husband and I are fighting or not (margaritas, too many), and this family just lost their rock! We need to not sweat the small stuff and hug those that we love! I know it sounds cliche, but these are the people who will be with us when our life runs out...these are the people who will miss us....this is how we love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!